It is when we are our most vulnerable that ED grasps for control the hardest. Transitions of all kinds, no matter how big or small they may seem, leave us feeling alone or lost in some way. That is when ED comes in with its false-comfort and tries to pull us to the dark side.
My Story
I recently realized, my ED has absolutely thrived during points of transition. When I lost my "best friends", everything began. Since then, as birthdays have come, vacations have passed, and my living situations have changed, ED was my greatest companion through those uncertain times. I suppose that the unknown of these times caused me to fall back on the comforting aspects ED brought me like consistency and certainty. I controlled what I could, my body, when the rest of my world was spinning away from me.
Currently, I am struggling to transition home after being away for a bit. No school. No phone. I made friends while away who I am pleased to consider best friends. We understood each other more deeply than most and could relate on what most others couldn't. Away from them now and without contact, I seek the comfort they gave me in food, ironically my greatest enemy. The cycle of restricting, binging, and purging is not uncommon, but it is commonly misunderstood. If you struggle, do not be hard on yourself. I feel your pain and frustration. Anyways, being cut off from my constant companions, the certainty that someone could like me for me being gone, left me turning to food to fill the void. I have binged for days straight, and though I have not purged, something I'm proud of, now I'm seeing my body transition. Body transformations are sensitive for all, especially those with body dysmorphia or who have an ED, but I'm doing my best to remind myself how talented our bodies are at regulating, and that things will be back to normal soon enough.
Future assurance isn't comforting enough, though, and the urges to binge don't get any quieter. I'm doing my best to keep out of the kitchen and to keep myself busy, but it's not that easy. I'm currently finding myself "compensating" in a sense, or having mini binges whenever I get the opportunity out of fear I won't later. I know the more I get used to all the options of being at home and the more I fight off urges the more second nature it will become, but after failing so many times, it's hard to see a future where I'm in control. BUT, I am not giving up. I owe it to myself to at least try. I should respect myself enough to believe I can do anything, and so should all of you.
The greatest part about transitions is even when they suck, they inevitably end. To combat them in the moment though, here's some advice I have compiled which hopefully can help you through any times of uncertainty.
Advice and Takeaways
Do NOT Expect Perfection: It's okay to hope for the best, but it's essential to our health to be honest with ourselves. I knew I would binge when I came home. I just didn't expect how long it would go on for. It's scary, I won't lie, but I have radically accepted it is what it is and will improve soon enough. As things fall into place, so will our eating habits. The kinder to ourselves we are, the less likely we are to punish ourselves verbally and physically. Remember that transitions are times of chaos, so expecting yourself to remain stable in the eye of the hurricane is simply unfair.
Cope Ahead: If you know you are traveling somewhere or going through a change in life, identify what specifically will stress you out ahead of time and prepare how you will face it. Take it from me, hiding/ running from our problems never works. A big "trigger" for me personally is traveling or eating in restaurants. To help myself, I study the common cuisine or look up a menu and pick a couple options out. It's not a perfect solution, but it helps me process the most overwhelming emotions ahead of time that could otherwise lead me to binge in the moment. Additionally, don't be afraid to buy snacks or safe foods to keep with you if things get too overwhelming. Sometimes transitions offer new food opportunities or even opportunities to fulfill your ED's evil wishes. If you are expecting the worst, communicate with whoever is closest to you and makes you feel safe what you fear. Never be afraid to advocate for yourself or even go a little overboard to keep yourself safe. Of course, coping ahead and advocating for yourself require you fighting one of the greatest demons in your head. I know the confusion and internal conflict, but you are not just capable of asking for help, not weak for needing extra support, and certainly not a failure if you're struggling in the cycle like me.
Get Busy: When making a transition, the most important thing you can let ourself do is rest and heal. But, when you're ready, filling your day will help not just keep you out of the kitchen when binging, but will keep you distracted/ disconnected from the uunhealthy- ED thoughts for a bit. My favorite form of distraction when I have the time is just a simple walk outside. I throw on my headphones and a podcast, and find joy in the smallest beauties of nature. It is one of the few times where I'm in my head, but in a healthy way. It kind of feels like journalling. Speaking of, I've actually found journalling to be extremely helpful. I used to laugh and never think I'd be the type, but journalling has allowed me to process binges and not purge, rationalize with myself, and see how silly some of my ED thoughts are. Reading is another classic, and lately I've even been trying art. The point is to find things that make you happy enough to distract from your urges.
Be Kind to Yourself: As I said, things may not go perfectly. The way we speak to ourselves is imperative to recovery and our wellbeing. The more patience you have with yourself and the more grace you give, the quicker things will be back to normal. If we push ourselves too hard or put ourselves down, we risk restarting poor habits or prolonging the time we engage with them. Remember, a lapse is not a relapse, and. a relapse isn't a fail. Give yourself the space, time, and nourishment you need to heal and get through.
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